How Do Unmet Needs Affect Our Relationships?

Previously, we’ve looked at the different “masks” of personality that we may wear, as we’re trying to learn to master the right use of Love, Wisdom and Power from different perspectives. These masks are based on certain unmet needs, which vary from person to person. What happens when two people with different masks interact in a family, friend or work setting? How do unmet needs affect our relationships?

What are our basic needs?

The Enneagram describes nine personality types distributed around three centers of intelligence called the body, heart and head centers that correspond to the Doing, Feeling and Thinking triads. Each center is focused on a different primary need, which is having autonomy (self-worth), attention (approval) or security (safety). But each type also has its own vulnerability, according to Jerome Wagner (“Nine Lenses On the World”) (below).

What are the three ways of relating to the world?

In the first few years of life, we learn to distinguish our self from our mother or primary nurturing figure. We learn to relate to life in three different ways. Although we have all three ways within us, each personality type operates primarily out of one of them. These ways of relating can be arranged into three Harmony triads that include one type from each center (with each type wearing a different mask):

Attachment triad (types 3, 6 and 9): Their ego likes to hold on to whatever is working for them in the material world. They form deep attachments to their self-image that offers approval and self-value (3), beliefs and groups that offer security (6), or comfort zones that offer stability and inner peace (9). These Pragmatists negotiate with everything and everyone to keep their balance and to hold the world at bay.
Rejection triad (types 2, 5 and 8): Their self is unconsciously seen as small, weak and potentially victimized, while others are seen as powerful, abusive and rejecting. They defend themselves by offering something, such as love and support by being a caretaker (2), strength and protection by being a tough guy (8), or knowledge by being an expert (5). These Relationists manage the world in a self-possessed way.
Frustration triad (types 1, 4 and 7): Their self is restless, dissatisfied, impatient and needy, because life doesn’t match their ideals of a world that is in perfect order (1), deeply meaningful (4), or free of pain and suffering (7). Their identity is partially based on being frustrated or frustrating others. These Idealists can manage their own little world, but are overwhelmed by the bigger world.

Here are the Harmony Triads with their motivations, enneatypes and distortions (based on various sources):

How do these motivations affect our relationships?

Karen Curry gave a lecture ((1) Drama Trauma Quantum Alignment Show – YouTube) on the effect of people’s unmet needs in relationships. She described four “mistaken motivations” (that are unconscious learned patterns based on unmet emotional needs) that include attention, inadequacy, power and revenge. They create specific emotional responses in others, who are in a relationship with the person with unmet needs.

Here are the major points summarized from her lecture to guide and heal our relationships:

1. ATTENTION is a need to feel seen, heard, loved or valued, but that need isn’t getting met. The person may associate love with attention. She/he may feel invisible, like he has to be loud, stand out or be dramatic to get noticed. He may be a nuisance, hyperactive, a show off, a clown or a whiner to get some attention. Or he may be lazy (to irritate or annoy you) or a people pleaser (to get attention by being super nice and caring).

How do you react to someone who needs attention? You may have to coax him to do things, to remind him often or give him undue service. But you might feel annoyed, drained, exhausted or irritated by that.
How can you help him/her? Give him one-on-one attention and teach him to ask for attention appropriately (if he feels like he is not being seen or heard). Inform him if you have to put your attention elsewhere at the moment he asks, but give him a time and place to talk later.

2. INADEQUACY is a need to feel capable and sometimes not knowing how to ask for help. The person may act as if he just wants to be left alone (even if he don’t really mean it). He may feel stuck, confused or overwhelmed. He may act helpless or feel stupid compared to others and not participate in activities, so he may give up or quit. He may set his goals too high and feel like a failure, if he doesn’t measure up. He may procrastinate or avoid people or tasks or abdicate responsibilities for things they need to do (“I can’t…).

How do you react to someone who feels inadequate? You may try a variety of approaches, like coaxing or reminding him. You may make few demands on him, but then you feel resentful, because you are carrying the burden of the relationship. You may do things for him that he could be doing for himself, because it’s easier to do it yourself than dealing with the inadequacy stuff that comes up.
How can you help him/her? Stay friendly and don’t lose your cool. Show him what positive self-talk looks and sounds like. He may never have seen that in his life before. Discuss why he feels inadequate. Stay encouraging but don’t rescue him, because that’s exhausting. Assure him of his value and celebrate small successes. Break things down into small, manageable tasks and be grateful for his accomplishments.

3. POWER is a need to feel empowered, like he has a “say” over what’s going on and happening to him. He feels powerless, like someone else’s agenda is more important than his needs and wants. He may feel despair or as if he can’t fix or change anything. He may feel victimized and abdicate his own power or give up. Alternatively, he may be stubborn or openly defiant and go against what you ask for or want. He may often argue or have to win or lie, cheat or steal.

How do you react to someone who has power issues? You may feel challenged, threatened, despairing or angry. You may feel like you have to control your partner or show him who is “boss” (power struggle). You may be determined not to let him “win.”
How can you help him/her? Find useful ways for him to feel powerful. Don’t get into power struggles, where nobody really wins. Be the bigger person in the relationship. Give him choices to learn it’s normal to want to feel powerful. Thank him for his cooperation and acknowledge him often.

4. REVENGE is a need to feel loved, valued, capable and powerful. The goal is to get a reaction from you, so he knows he still has a place in your heart. He may feel angry, deeply hurt, abandoned or bitter, because nobody cares. He may blame others of their unfairness or believe that no one likes him, loves him or understands him. He may unconsciously make himself unlikeable. He may want to strike out, get even or hurt himself, animals or children.

How do you react to someone who is revengeful? You may feel hurt, mad or want to hurt him back. You may want to teach him a “lesson,” which is never a good idea. You may consider him to be ungrateful. You may ask other family members to avoid him to create cliques in your tribe.
How can you help him/her? Do not retaliate, when revenge is happening. Breathe deep and go to the other room to create some space. Find out why he is feeling hurt and overpowered. Empathize with his feelings. Discuss his good qualities and ask him to express himself without being hurtful, to make it safe for everybody. Re-establish the relationship and find new ways to get intimate with each other.

Final Thoughts

I hope this post helps you see the various ways we can interact with each other in relationships. What’s the take home message? Well, we are asked to integrate things, which really means balancing the three centers of intelligence that represent the spiritual forces of Love, Wisdom and Power in our life. How?

David Daniels, MD described the work required to develop and transform ourselves. He split the universal growth process into five steps (or 5 A’s):

Awareness – we need to develop grounded and receptive presence to witness our behaviors and imbalances (self-awareness and self-observation).
Acceptance – we need to be open-hearted without judgment, to accept ourselves with kindness.
Appreciation – we need to be grateful for what the elements in the Harmony triads teach us, because we all have them within us.
Action – we need to pause, notice, inquire and reflect on how the elements in the triads are out of balance or misapplied, which leads to reactivity. There are several ways to bring these elements back to balance, based on Riso & Hudson’s work:
- The Attachment group needs to reflect on the qualities of authenticity, courage and self-possession to transform their underlying feelings of attachment.
- The Rejection group needs to reflect on unconditional love for themselves and others, compassion and self-surrender to transform their feelings of rejection.
- The Frustration group needs to reflect on acceptance of reality, forgiveness and gratitude for what is present to transform their feelings of frustration.
Adherence – we need to commit to a daily practice to bring these aspects to balance.